The Hole Story

My brother Dan Touchon left a comment back in January to the article:

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His cryptic comment was:

“I went to the store to buy a 1 inch hole but could only find a 1 inch drill bit.”

At the time I just hit the ‘like’ button and moved on. I came across the comment this morning when I wanted to refer to this article in another comment to someone else and I looked at his comment again and thought, there is something there… so I started writing a funny comment back to him and it got pretty long so I thought I would convert it into a post for your enjoyment…

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My Response

I had the same problem. I went to the hardware store with a simple mission: buy a one-inch hole. Easy, right? Wrong. The clerk looked at me like I’d just asked for a jar of elbow grease or a box of left-handed screws. He said, “We don’t sell holes. We sell drill bits.”

So now I’m holding a shiny one-inch drill bit, realizing I’ll need a drill to use it, and some wood to drill into, and by the time I’m done, I’m practically building furniture just to earn the privilege of having a hole.

Then it struck me—what if I skip the middleman? If I have to buy a bit and a drill, and some lumber I am practically a carpenter. I’ll do the drilling myself, stockpile holes, and sell them directly. I’ll make little 4-inch panels, each with a perfect one-inch hole in the middle, neatly packaged with bold lettering: ‘ONE INCH HOLE – READY TO USE’. No more DIY nonsense. You want a hole, you buy a hole. Of cousre I ended up buying a table saw, design some packaging materials, etc. and so on. It was a project to come up with my prototypes. Now, as a new entrepreneur I was invested.

My philosophy? Sell as close to nothing as possible for as much as people will pay for it. A hole? Perfect!

Soon the marketing slogans write themselves:

“Filling a hole in the market!”

“Buy nothing… get a hole!”

“The hole truth and nothing but the truth.”

"A whole lot of holes."

"Holy Holes!"

"I have a hole in my heart, but you have a hole in your head."

"A hole lot of nothing going on."

Of course, the problem is… what will people actually do with these holes and why would they buy them?

That’s where advertising comes in handy. Convince folks that holes are the future. They’ll decorate their houses with them, wear them as necklaces, put them on keychains, maybe even hang them in art galleries. Someone will say, “Oh, this is my minimalist collection. Each piece is absolutely empty, handcrafted void.” Suddenly, holes are high art.

I started wondering if I might need to build a factory. But the problem was, you can't trademark nothing and that is what a hole is. Before you know it, there’s an entire industry. Designer holes in exotic woods, acrylic, carbon fiber. Limited edition holes signed by celebrities. Counterfeit knock-off holes from China flooding the black market. A new billionaire emerges, known only as “The Hole Mogul.” He had the investors to build a hole factory and cornered the market.

Meanwhile, at my little stand, I smile to myself. I started with nothing—and I’ve been selling it ever since. After all, I am the guy who sells the 'original hole'.

here's my pitch:

Why You Need a Hole

Most people think a hole is nothing. But in truth, a hole is everything and that's something!

Think about it: every form begins with an absence. The cup holds water because of its hollow. A door becomes a doorway because of the space cut out. Even language depends on the pause, the silence between words. Without nothing, something has no meaning.

That’s why you need a hole.

Our One-Inch Hole™ is more than an empty circle. It’s a reminder that presence is defined by absence, that possibility is born in space, not in clutter. It’s a pocket of pure potential—ready for whatever you imagine.

Philosophers have pondered this for centuries. Lao Tzu said the usefulness of a wheel is in its empty hub. Heidegger insisted Being is revealed in the clearing. We just cut to the chase: we sell you the clearing itself.

So why buy a hole? Because your life is too full. You don’t need more stuff. You need less. You need space. You need a reminder that sometimes nothing is the most valuable thing you can own.

With one of our holes, you’re not just buying a product. You’re buying an idea: the elegance of emptiness, the architecture of absence, the luxury of letting go, of having more space. It's the latest trend. A hole, when you think about it, is one of the most important things you can own.

If “Less is More”, then “Nothing is Everything”

Don’t think of it as a purchase. Think of it as an investment in sanity or maybe insanity - you need both now and then. So that means the hole is actually reversible when you think about it - dual purpose. Twice the value for half the price.

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Then I made the commercial:

[Scene: Gregorian-style chanting over a black screen. A single spotlight reveals a panel with a perfect one-inch hole. The camera pushes slowly through it, as if entering another dimension.]

Voiceover, solemn and grand:

“Since the dawn of time, humanity has sought meaning… and found it in the void.”

[Cut to montage: pyramids, Stonehenge, cathedrals, rocket ships—all shown through their holes and arches.]

“From the sacred circle to the cosmic black hole, the mystery of existence is not in what is, but in what is not.”

[Scene: A group of people dressed in white robes sit in a circle, each holding a One Inch Hole™ panel, gazing at it reverently.]

“Now, you too can join the revolution of emptiness. For only $19.95, own the absence that defines all presence.”

[Dramatic swell of music. Cut to close-up of the product packaging: ONE INCH HOLE™. A whispering chorus repeats the phrase like a mantra.]

“One Inch Hole. One Inch Hole. One Inch Hole…” in sanskrit
”ekam incham chhidram. ekam incham chhidram. ekam incham chhidram…”

Voiceover, hushed, urgent:

“This is not a product. This is initiation. This is enlightenment. This is…the Hole Truth.”

[Final screen: “THE HOLE COMPANY – Join the Order of Nothing.” A toll-free number flashes.]

Then spoken extremely rapidly in a monotone voice at the very end:

The Hole Company™ Official Disclaimer

By purchasing a One Inch Hole™, you acknowledge that you are buying nothing, and therefore, technically, everything. Holes are intangible phenomena and may cause philosophical dizziness, sudden realizations about the meaning of life, or unexpected career changes.

Safety Notice:

• Do not stare into your hole for more than 47 consecutive minutes. Customers have reported feelings of cosmic insignificance, déjà vu, and, in rare cases, the ability to see into the neighbor’s living room.

• Do not attempt to climb inside your hole. We cannot be held liable for any journeys into alternate dimensions, conversations with ancestors, or encounters with cosmic librarians that may occur.

• Holes are not edible. Do not confuse with bagels, donuts, Cheerios, or fruit loops, no matter how convincing they look.

Legal Terms:

• The Hole Company™ accepts no responsibility if your hole expands into a black hole and consumes your house, your car, or your in-laws.

• Holes are sold “as-is,” which is to say, “as-is not.” Returns are impossible, as you cannot return nothing.

• Side effects of hole ownership may include: smug minimalism, excessive use of the word “void,” becoming the most interesting guest at dinner parties, or joining obscure internet cults devoted to circular thinking.

Important Clarification:

• A One Inch Hole™ is not a spiritual shortcut, a tax shelter, or a licensed Emotional Support Animal.

• Your hole does not count as real estate, even if you attempt to Airbnb it.

• Please do not resell your hole on eBay as “vintage.” Holes do not age.

By opening the package, you agree to embrace the emptiness and admit that sometimes, the best purchase you ever made… is nothing at all.

The Hole Company™ — Filling gaps, legally and metaphysically, since last Tuesday.

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Testimonials

Testimonial: Marjorie, 47, Life Coach

“I’ll be honest. At first, I thought it was ridiculous—buying a hole. But then I got my One Inch Hole™ in the mail, and… everything changed.

I placed it on my desk, and suddenly, I felt lighter. My bills didn’t seem as heavy. My ex-husband’s texts didn’t sting as much. I realized—I wasn’t staring at wood. I was staring at possibility.

Now, I meditate with my hole every morning. I show it to my clients. Last week, one of them cried, saying it was the first time she had truly seen herself reflected in nothing.

And you know what? For the first time in my life, I finally feel… whole.”

Testimonial: The Mystic (Sebastian, 62, Retreat Leader)

“When I first beheld the One Inch Hole™, I wept. For years I had wandered the desert of consumer goods, searching for meaning. And then—it was here. A portal, a void, a sacred absence. I hung it in my yurt, and the chanting of my students has never sounded so… infinite. Truly, the Hole is the new Grail.”

Testimonial: The Businessman (Carl, 39, Entrepreneur)

“I didn’t get it at first. I thought, why pay twenty bucks for a hole? Then I realized: that’s the genius. It’s pure scalability. Nothing costs nothing, but you sell it? That’s margin, baby. I bought fifty holes, wrote them off as ‘consulting inspiration panels,’ and now my team stares at them during meetings. Productivity’s up 400%. The hole sells itself. Literally.”

Testimonial: The Kid (Emily, 8, Future Visionary)

“My mom said I couldn’t have a puppy. So I got a One Inch Hole™. I named it Mr. Hollow. He doesn’t bark, he doesn’t poop, and he doesn’t eat my socks. Sometimes I pretend it’s a spyglass, sometimes it’s a donut, sometimes it’s a magic portal. Yesterday I whispered my secret into it, and I swear it whispered back. I think Mr. Hollow loves me.”

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So, that’s the hole story.