Chapter 5: The Glorious Kingdom of Palm Beachonia
The Fire Alarm Vote
It started with a podcast threat.
In mid-July, 2025, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene appeared on Real Patriots Don’t Fact-Check and accused Speaker Mike Johnson of “performing globalism in a cardigan.”
“He’s soft. He prays too much. He reads. That’s not what the base wants,” she told her 6 million listeners, three parrots, and a rotating stable of AI-generated guests.
By the following week, she had filed a motion to vacate the chair—again—marking her third since spring. This time it worked. Johnson, caught mid-sentence in a prayer breakfast, reportedly said only, “I suppose this too is part of God’s plan.” before quietly leaving the waffles untouched and retiring to a basement prayer chamber.
The GOP fractured into even finer shards:
The "Silent Majors", who wanted less yelling.
The "Constitutional Rascals", who wanted more yelling but only in Latin.
The "Burn …
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