Chapter 3: The Annexation of Canada: A Love Story
The Kingdom of Palm Beachonia
The Annexation of Canada: A Love Story
After multiple hints and comments it began, as these things often did, with a speech that no one quite believed at first.
Standing in front of a giant map—one of those old pull-down classroom kinds, rumpled and curling at the edges—President Donald Trump gestured broadly at North America.
"Look at it!" he cried. "It’s a perfect country, but somebody drew a straight, artificial line! A long time ago! Many, many decades ago. Total disaster! Remove that line and we become the biggest country in the world. Bigger than Russia! Bigger is better. Everybody knows that."
He tapped at Canada, his finger smudging the laminated surface.
"Canada only works as a state. A great state. One of the greatest! Visuals — incredible visuals! Trees, lakes, ice — very good ice. Fantastic. Tremendous tourism potential."
His staff shifted uncomfortably behind him.
The Secretary of State whispered to the Chief of Staff, "He's kidding, right?"
But he wasn’t kidding.
Within days, the plan had a name:
"Tear Down this Line."
Phase One: Negotiations
There were no negotiations.
Trump sent a formal letter to the Canadian Prime Minister, offering the citizens of Canada "an incredible opportunity" to join the United States as State 51 — with full access to the Freedom Dollar, MAGA hats, and unlimited free refills at participating Waffle Houses.
The letter was delivered by courier — a man on a golf cart who idled impatiently outside the Parliament building until someone came down to collect it.
Canada politely declined.
Trump, undeterred, tweeted:
"Sad! But we’ll proceed anyway. They’ll come around when they see how great it is."
Phase Two: Public Relations
Truth Social—rebranded temporarily as The United States Reality Network—began broadcasting a campaign titled:
"Canada: As is always should have been."
Highlights included:
Animated maps showing the U.S. flag sweeping northward like a cheery tsunami.
Testimonials from confused actors in flannel shirts, grinning and saying things like, "I always wanted a Waffle House on every corner!"
A special presidential address titled "You're Welcome, Canada."
Trump explained it simply:
"We don’t need anything they have — not their lumber, not their energy, not their moose. We have better moose. Stronger moose. But they need us. Desperately. Canada without the U.S. is like... ketchup without French fries. Very sad. Very dry."
He nodded solemnly.
The room was silent except for a faint sound of deep breathing with clenched teeth from the Canadian ambassador.
Phase Three: The Great Border Meltdown
At the border, chaos bloomed.
U.S. citizens, emboldened by patriotic fervor, began camping at the border crossings, waving banners that read "WELCOME HOME, CANADA" and "51 IS FUN!"
Canadian border guards, unsure how to respond, offered coffee and Tim Hortons donuts to the mobs, hoping hospitality would serve where bullets had not yet been fired.
A brief skirmish broke out at Niagara Falls when a group of Americans attempted to "liberate" Ontario with a fleet of duck boats.
All duck boats capsized immediately.
Meanwhile, the Wall that had once been promised for Mexico was hastily repurposed.
Construction crews began building it — not on the southern border — but across the 49th parallel.
When at a ralley Trump yelled “And who is going to pay for the wall?” The crowd yelled, “Mexico!”
When asked why build a wall, Trump explained:
"We have to protect our new state from Canadian invaders. Even though it's part of us now. Very complicated. You wouldn't understand."
Nobody did.
Phase Four: Resistance (Such As It Was)
In major Canadian cities, resistance movements popped up, politely.
Protesters marched carrying signs that read, "We’re Sorry, But No."
Protest slogans included, "Please Kindly Remove Yourself" and "This Is Extremely Inconvenient."
An entire orchestra in Toronto performed a mournful national anthem, substituting the lyrics with passive-aggressive apologies.
Yet, without any real invasion, without any clear leadership on either side, the situation devolved into a series of confused, awkward social interactions at highway checkpoints and Tim Hortons drive-thrus.
Phase Five: Absorption
Ultimately, the annexation didn’t happen with gunfire or battles.
It happened, as so many things do these days, through bureaucracy.
A hacked Google Maps update listed "Canada" as "Northern United States: Extreme Snow District."
Banks, unsure of which currency to use, simply stopped processing transactions. Canadians couldn't pay for anything. Neither could Americans.
Netflix began auto-recommending "Patriotic Reality TV" to all Canadian accounts.
("Make Maple Great Again!" was a minor hit.)
Faced with a collapsing infrastructure, unpaid government salaries, and the slow realization that nobody was coming to untangle the mess, Canadian leadership surrendered — not with a speech, but with a memo.
"Fine. Whatever."
The New State
Canada was renamed "Trumpanada."
Trump held a victory rally outside Banff National Park, standing atop a hastily erected platform made of moose antlers and plywood, wearing a "GREAT NORTH KING" sash.
"It’s the most beautiful state.
Nobody’s ever had a better state.
They’re so lucky. So lucky. Best ice. Best trees. We’ll build lots of things. Big towers. Maybe put a golf course on top of the Rockies. Very natural."
The citizens of Trumpanada nodded politely, drank lukewarm coffee, and planned quietly to elect literally anyone else at the first opportunity.
Epilogue: History’s Footnote
Textbooks one day would summarize the entire episode like this:
"In 2025, Canada became part of the United States through a complicated process involving tweets, Waffle Houses, and widespread confusion.
No casualties were reported.
The chief complaint was inconvenience.
The chief benefit was that Canadians taught Americans how to apologize while still getting what they wanted.
So it goes."
And somewhere on the battered steps of the old Parliament building, a moose stood proudly wearing a tiny red cap that said:
"MAKE NORTH GREAT AGAIN."
Appendix A: The New Map of North America, As Decreed by President Donald
Upon the successful, if confusing, annexation of Canada, President Donald unveiled a bold, visionary map of the new United States at a celebratory "Freedom BBQ and Reality Summit" held at an abandoned Walmart parking lot near the old border.
The map was drawn in permanent marker on a whiteboard, with several coffee stains obscuring key details.
Nonetheless, it was declared "Official and Very Beautiful" by The United States Reality Network.
The major changes were as follows:
Renamed Canadian Provinces:
British Columbia → "Western Trumpifornia"
("The trees are incredible. Maybe the best trees. Big, big Christmas potential. Everyone says so.")
Alberta → "Texberta"
("They love oil, we love oil, everybody wins. Plus cows. Fantastic cows.")
Saskatchewan → "Flat Trump Plains"
("Flattest land. Very flat. I looked at it. Very easy to build on. Tremendous savings.")
Manitoba → "Trumpitoba"
("Nobody even knows what it was called before. Nobody.")
Ontario → "Trontario"
("Toronto is almost like New York, but colder and better for golf.")
Quebec → "New France USA"
("They speak French, but the good kind. They love me. They just don’t know it yet.")
New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island → "The Trump Maritimes"
("Beautiful coastlines. Very historic. Very wet.")
Newfoundland and Labrador → "Super Maine"
("It’s like Maine, but bigger and colder. We’ll sell a lot of scarves.")
Nunavut, Northwest Territories, Yukon → "The Big Cold"
("Nobody lives there. We’ll use it for something. Maybe giant golf. Very exclusive.")
Major Cities Renamed:
Vancouver → "Trumpside"
Calgary → "Freedom City West"
Winnipeg → "Trumpapeg"
Toronto → "Big League City"
Montreal → "Trumpreal"
Ottawa (former capital) → "Freedomville" (population greatly reduced)
Quebec City → "Liberty Quebec (Soon To Be English)"
New National Parks and Attractions:
Rocky Mountains → "Freedom Peaks"
("Highest mountains, best views, Trump Tower Ski Resort coming soon.")Niagara Falls → "Trump’s Very Big Water Show"
("People said it couldn’t get bigger. Well, it just did.")Banff National Park → "Royal Golf Preserve #1"
("Nature and luxury together. Very exclusive. Very classy.")Churchill (Polar Bear Capital) → "Trump's Arctic Safari Adventureland"
("Great polar bears. Best polar bears. Very friendly once they know you’re a winner.")
Other Notable Features:
A proposed "Great Freedom Highway" from Miami to Tuktoyaktuk, funded entirely by selling naming rights for each exit.
Plans to introduce "Freedom Beaches" along Hudson Bay, featuring imported sand and year-round fireworks.
Statue of Liberty replicas proposed for all major intersections above the 49th Parallel.
A massive golden wall (the originally unused Mexico wall) to be erected across the Arctic Circle "to keep out polar communists."
Notes from the Press Conference:
When asked why the Atlantic provinces were all renamed "The Trump Maritimes" despite having distinct identities, Trump answered:
"There’s too many little names. It’s confusing. People get lost. We need strong branding. One name. Trump. Very strong. Very beautiful."
When asked what he planned to do with Nunavut, he said:
"Big cold area. Big space. Could be used for something historic. Maybe a tremendous Christmas Village. Nobody's ever done a Christmas Village at that scale. Could be the eighth wonder of the world. And by the way, what happened to Santa’s workshop anyway? We might need to investigate that."
When asked if Canadians would have a say in any of this, he said:
"They already voted. By living here and don’t forget, no more tariffs. You're welcome."
Back in the White House, Donald Trump turned his attention to his next project… Greenland.
Historical Footnote
The Great New American Map was quickly retired from official use after two days when:
No GPS could be programmed to match it.
Airline pilots attempted to fly from New York to Alaska by going due north and got very, very lost.
The first attempted road trip along "The Great Freedom Highway" resulted in a family of five stranded in a swamp in Arkansas while trying to reach "Trumptown 2."
Today, only two original copies of the map survive:
One displayed at the National Museum of Gullibility (formerly Mar-a-Lago) also known by some as the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library.
One rumored to be tucked under King Donald’s ‘my pillow’ at his Scottish exile retreat.
Both are considered priceless artifacts of an era when, for a brief and shining moment, reality was simply whatever could be drawn with enough Sharpies and confidence.
Epilogue: From the Correspondence Room
History, when it finally got around to cataloging the events of the Annexation of Canada, did so reluctantly.
There were no great battles to commemorate.
No stirring speeches carved into marble.
No soaring anthems sung by children with trembling voices.
Just paperwork.
Just baffled historians.
Just a lot of Sharpie-smeared maps and loyalty hats rotting in thrift store bins.
And yet, there was something almost admirable about it all.
It wasn’t the ambition—history has always been littered with men who wanted more flags over more empty places.
It wasn’t even the audacity—every century has its snake oil salesmen, its kings of cardboard castles.
It was the sincerity of the delusion that made it unique.
The pure, uncut certainty that you could will a nation into existence through enough parades, enough slogans, enough loyalty points printed on platinum cards.
It was a reminder, like a flare fired uselessly into a rainstorm,
that reality may be bent for a time—
but it never breaks.
One Only Need Know, What One Need Know, When One Need Know It
One Only Need Know, What One Need Know, When One Need Know It
Need straight answers? Tune in next week to "Patriotic Reality TV" Where all the hard questions will be addressed.
-Will Canadians learn to be impolite?
-Will Residents have to pronounce “Hoose” as “House”
-Will there really be “Waffle Houses” on every corner?
-Is Bullwinkle actually Fearless Leader?
This is brilliant. I truly appreciate all the details, the complexity and scope. They'll need Dollar General stores across from the Waffle House/Walmart megaplexes.