Chapter 2 - The El Salvador Solution
The Kingdom of Palm Beachonia
Chapter 2
The El Salvador Solution
One night, hunched over a cheeseburger in the White House, inspiration struck.
"We’ll deport them!" he cried, mouth full.
“We’ll start with deporting some MS-13 gangsters first as part of my immigration mandate and then move on to the ones we really want taken care of. All the bad ones. The fake news people. The comedians. The bad lawyers, maybe some judges, little kids with cancer. The fat generals. Send them all somewhere! Somewhere sweaty! And let’s not forget Alcatraz."
President Donald Trump then proposed reopening and rebuilding Alcatraz as a maximum-security federal penitentiary to house the "most ruthless and violent offenders" in America. This has sparked considerable debate and discussion, with various perspectives emerging:
Trump's Rationale and Actions:
Symbol of Law and Order: Trump stated his desire to reopen Alcatraz as a symbol of law, order, and justice, aiming to send a strong message about his administration's commitment to public safety.
Directing Federal Agencies: He directed the Bureau of Prisons, along with the Department of Justice, FBI, and Homeland Security, to assess the feasibility of reopening and substantially enlarging the facility.
The staffer on duty at the white house that night, a young man from Cincinnati with a promising future in crisis PR before fate intervened, nodded furiously and scribbled notes on a napkin.
"Deport all critics"
"Destination: somewhere sweaty"
Within a week, Trump announced to the nation his El Salvador Solution:
All enemies of United States—journalists, scientists, bureaucrats, disloyal billionaires, teenagers who rolled their eyes on TikTok—
Would be deported to a privately run "Freedom Enhancement Center" in El Salvador.
There, they would "rediscover patriotism" through "luxury corrective retreats" featuring barbed wire, suspicious meat products, and mandatory Trump-themed karaoke.
The program had a snappy name: Operation Piss Off
The Department of Homeland Security, stripped to its MAGA-essentials, carried out the roundups.
People were pulled from Whole Foods checkout lines, from jury duty waiting rooms, from quiet brunches in Brooklyn where someone had dared to say the word "nuance" out loud.
The President’s Twitter feed proclaimed:
"Great day for Freedom! BAD PEOPLE are getting a nice vacation they don’t deserve!! #MAGA # OpPissOff "
The accompanying photo showed a cargo plane, hastily repainted with a cartoon pelican wearing sunglasses, stuffed with professors, civil servants, and one bewildered golden retriever who had apparently barked at the wrong campaign rally.
Inside the Freedom Enhancement Center:
Located in a former banana warehouse surrounded by fifteen-foot concrete walls and one disinterested goat, the Center was a marvel of no-bid contracting.
The toilets worked half the time.
The lights never did.
Each morning, detainees were woken by loudspeakers blaring remixed versions of Trump's inauguration speech, set to the beat of "YMCA."
Breakfast consisted of a gray, steaming mass called "Patriot Porridge" and an inspiring quote misattributed to Trump, Mother Teresa, and Napoleon simultaneously.
Classes were offered in:
Advanced Bootlicking
Alternative History (How Trump Won WWII)
Social Media Obedience Training ("Like, Share, Surrender")
Resistance flourished almost immediately.
Smuggled Sharpies were used to scrawl sarcastic graffiti across the camp walls:
"Work Will Set You Tweet"
"Big Beautiful Wall, No Exit"
"Four Seasons Total Freedom"
It didn’t take long before news of the camps leaked.
Not from brave whistleblowers—no one could get an internet signal—but because someone smuggled out a video of the inmates' Mandatory MAGA Drag Show, where middle-aged economists and exhausted historians were forced to lip-sync Kid Rock songs while wearing sequined Trump wigs.
Even in an America saturated with insanity, this was too much.
The international reaction was swift.
Canada declared itself a "sanctuary for the Sane" and posted giant banners along the border that simply read:
"YOU DESERVE BETTER."
The European Union issued a formal diplomatic letter addressed only to "Whichever Grownups Are Still Left Over There."
Trump, watching the news die down a bit on the El Salvador thing while courtrooms in every state filled up with cases trying to recover the illegality deported victims, he decided he had that situation on boil so it was time for the next big idea. He had been talking about it but of course nobody believed him but now it is time. Make Canada the 51st state.
(Next Chapter Teaser:
Chapter 3 — The Parade of Power
→ How the Great Monster Truck Army of Palm Beachonia tried to conquer the world — and couldn't find the parking lot exit.)
I was looking forward to the next chapter. You did not disappoint! This was insanely funny, I was laughing all the way through it. I had to read it twice. It reminded me of some of your busier music collages, full of imagery, changing tones, lots of content. How irreverent of you, and Trumpian Blasphemy. Great job!